Hatemail of the Week
(Nothing in either email has been edited from the original. Only sharing this so I can just link to this exchange every next time this comic induces another angry email.)
——
Hey Dan,
I recently stumbled upon your “lesson” about the name Jesus Christ. The moral of the lesson was that saying Jesus Christ’s name in vain was not truly blasphemy. Well Dan, nothing really frustrates me more than ignorance. When you say the term “Jesus Christ” in a you are referring to the Christian messiah, lets just call him brad for times sake. Since we are looking at this issue through Christianity’s perspective we have to abide by Christian standards, don’t you agree Dan?
In the Christian religion the messiah, brad, is considered to be one being made of three different entities. This makes for bad math, but good theology. Whether or not either of us believe this is true is irrelevant because according to Christianity it is. This issue can not be viewed outside of Christianity because the issue does not exist outside of Christianity. Therefore we have to abide by Christian beliefs. When you refer to Jesus Christ you are referring to the divine aspect of Dan. So when you say “Jesus Christ” in vain, you are still referring to Dan and it is still blasphemy. How about that Dan?
Dan, quite honestly I think your a blow hard idiot. If you have a response you would like for me to hear please send it, it would really show me that your not some ass hat living behind your computer.
Thanks,
Brady ██████
—-
Hi Brad,
First of all, I’m a practicing Roman Catholic and went to seven and a half years of Catholic school. So I’ve had far more lessons and lectures in theology than most people. Just because I’m currently a scientist doesn’t mean I disregard religion automatically! I don’t agree with how many people interpret the teachings of many religions, but I can openly have a discussion about it.
Secondly, the moral of that particular lesson wasn’t that saying Jesus’s name isn’t blasphemy. The point was more that you can apply enough interpretations or knowledge of various facts to be able to come to a conclusion that is far away from the original intent or more complete meaning. It wasn’t meant to be taken literally - more or less, it was sharing information about translation (as cited with two sources underneath the lesson on that page) and then taking a humorous approach by completing twisting what you could do with that. People could use any form of religion twisted to their perspective to justify their beliefs and actions - and not just religion, but politics or science or art - and we need to understand that it is possible for people to do that if we are to strengthen our own beliefs while finding ways to connect and associate and relate with other humans.
A lot of what STW is supposed to be about is getting people to consider at least hearing other people and understanding what they are trying to say, even if you know that you hold the completely opposite viewpoint. You can’t ever learn to come to an agreement on something if you are always immediately attacking the other side. This is a core lesson I’ve been trying to impart for the five years I’ve been running the site. So I hope next time you will try to consider what someone is actually saying, and not just approach it from a literal perspective. And this applies to religious discussions, too.
-Dante Shepherd
——-
(Just a follow-up note, but he did refer to himself as the Messiah, right? Maybe I should have handled this differently.)
Summer Reading 2013
(A brief ongoing series of ten-word reviews.)
Shades of Grey - by Jasper Fforde
Fifty times more confusing. Fifty times less erotic. I assume.
Boy Scouts
There's going to be some mocking of the Boy Scouts' mere partial repeal of their policy on gay members — gay Scouts are now permitted, but not gay leaders. This new policy may be impossible to pull off, as Scouts become adult leaders on their 18th birthday — that physical deadline that Scouts are taught to fear, as it represents the utmost roadblock on their road to Eagle. Will a troop really reject a Scout on their birthday after they have been members for years?
There's going to be mocking of this partial repeal, even though there have been troops and councils that have openly rejected and defied the policy for years. There are certainly bigots still involved — they'll still exist in any society — but there are a number of openly gay Scouts and leaders who have worked with troops and at camps for years. These are decades old facts that could be looked up — if anyone thought to.
There's going to be mocking and continued blind confusion and bold statements questioning how even this partial repeal could have taken so long, ignoring the fact that the majority of funding for more than a decade has come from restrictive religious groups. To ask the Scouts to reject these sources of funding is to ask them to kill off the entire organization — especially when everyone on the right side of history and the policy were only offering disdain and reprimands, not funding.
There's going to be mocking of Scouts, by people who have never had any involvement in the Scouts, in regards to the half-hearted repeal.
I look forward to when this mocking converts back to the standard mocking of Scouts, by people who have never had any involvement in Scouts, because Scouting is uncool.
Because in the end, once full repeal is achieved, that's where all this is headed, anyway.
Summer Reading 2013
(A brief ongoing series of ten-word reviews.)
Broken Harbor - by Tana French
Great, like usual. But could she (please!) write uplifting mysteries?
Summer Reading 2013
(A brief ongoing series of ten-word reviews.)
The Panther - by Nelson DeMille
John Corey: best fictional asshole.
(That could have sounded better.)
Summer Reading 2013
(A brief ongoing series of ten-word reviews.)
The Great Gatsby - by F. Scott Fitzgerald
What a bunch of generally unlikeable individuals. Alas, old sport.
Summer Reading 2013
(Ten-word reviews in a brief ongoing series while I’m not teaching and can finally read books again.)
The Hunger Games - by Suzanne Collins
Too much food.
The book was better than the movie.
Actual Student Evaluations
About a week ago, one of my students contacted me, roughly saying:
“I just wanted to apologize to you - I think I may have been a little inebriated when filling out your class evaluation, and I think I may have commented on the way you eat grapefruit.”
Well, the evaluations were made available to me today, and lo and behold, when the evaluation asks the students to answer,
“Describe instructor’s strengths, room for improvement, and any additional comments”,
the form immediately follows with one student’s anonymous response:
“In at least an infinite number of other universes, a grapefruit is worshiped as a god. And it is certainly possible that in an infinite number of these infinite worlds that grapefruit has God-like powers. Perhaps this world is one of those, and that fruit is on your table in disguise. So all hail lord Citrus! And may its juice in our eyes be a blessing on us all! Amen (Dante 1722:1)”
So. Um, thanks for that, kid.
Here's to the ECAC
“It's been a long time… and we're sorry.
ECAC Hockey fans are sorry that the league hasn't put a team in the title game in 23 years. We're sorry it's been two dozen seasons since a conference member finished on top. We apologize for being dismissed, marginalized, underrated, ignored, and downright insulted for our opinion, pride, and belief that ECAC Hockey is as competitive a league as any other in Division 1 (and twice as smart). We're sorry that half of the league's teams are Ivy League institutions, and that the other half are small private schools that prioritize the "student" part over the "athlete" part. We're sorry that ECAC teams have to travel so often to play top programs, because top programs are loathe to play dangerous teams in small markets.
And we're sorry to be so damned thrilled by this year's national title tilt. Yale, we're proud of you; Quinnipiac, we're proud of you, too… and to the rest of the nation, we are sorry about one thing most of all: We're really not sorry at all.”
- Brian Sullivan of USCHO.com
(A quick follow-up note from Dante: I hate Quinnipiac’s hockey team about as much as I hate Duke’s basketball team, so I’m not exactly proud of them. Not really all that much of a fan of Yale, either. But the rest of the sentiment I’ll agree with. Go wallow in your snide, Hockey East and WCHA and CCHA.)
MLB
Going on record because I’ll be entirely wrong.
AL East:
Rays > Blue Jays > Red Sox > Yankees > Orioles
AL Central:
Tigers > Indians > Royals > White Sox > Twins
AL West:
Angels > Athletics > Rangers > Mariners > Astros
NL East:
Nationals > Braves > Phillies > Mets > Marlins
NL Central:
Reds > Cardinals > Brewers > Pirates > Cubs
NL West:
Giants > Dodgers > Diamondbacks > Padres > Rockies
Playoffs:
Athletics over Rangers; Rays over A’s, Tigers over Angels; Rays over Tigers
Braves over Dodgers; Reds over Braves, Nationals over Giants; Reds over Nationals
World Series: Rays over Reds
Awards:
MVP: Mike Trout, Joey Votto
Cy Young: Justin Verlander, Stephen Strasburg
A follow-up to AggieCon
AggieCon is student run. I mention this first and foremost because I’ve seen the product of some student run organizations before, from poor-and-incomplete fundraising right down to the final execution of their poorly-and-incompletely-laid plans.
That being said, these kids know what the hell they’re doing. They were prepared and organized, brought in several impressive guests, set up a number of truly interesting panels, and repeatedly made sure the attendees and vendors had the best experience they could. It was truly enjoyable from start to finish, and I applaud the students copiously.
Hard to believe it was only a week ago I was there.
- - -
I was on three panels, the first of which was basically an hour of stand-up and storytelling. I’d never stretched my ‘act’ into an hour before, but holy crap it went over well. So that was nice. In case you haven’t seen the link I shared, part of the act was doing a velociraptor impression based on a suggestion from the audience. To which someone immediately jumped in with ‘a raptor being coronated as pope’. To which I obliged.
- - -
The table right across from me was selling Harry Potter wands, Link shields, and SAMURAI SWORDS. AND THEY WERE DOING GREAT BUSINESS. WHO THE HECK BUYS SO MANY SAMURAI SWORDS? IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO DESCRIBE HOW UNNERVED I WAS ABOUT HOW MANY PEOPLE IN TEXAS WERE NOW ABLE TO RUN AROUND WITH FRIGGIN’ SWORDS AFTER THE CON.
- - -
One of my students was ridiculous excited that I was going to be able to meet George RR Martin - he never shuts up about GoT in lab or any other chance he gets - heck, he even drew a shield for me with my house sigil on his first thermo exam. (I gave him no extra credit because it did not have either a raptor or a mallet on it.) So when I got back, he immediately asked if I met his favorite writer. I responded, “He told me that Jon Snow is now an Other, and his middle name is RailRoad.” My student looked at me skeptically. “How could his middle name be Railroad? There are no railroads on Westeros, that’s not a family name.” ”Jon Snow’s middle name isn’t railroad, you idiot …”
- - -
I was on two panels with Keri Bean. She works with the Mars Rover Curiosity robot and has seven more published papers than I do. She outclassed me in every sense of the word as a scientist. I am now going to badger her nonstop about the existence of Mars snakes as retaliation. It’s not great retaliation, but it’s all I’ve got.
On another panel I was on about the internet, a member of the band Area of Defect shared that one Youtube commenter said that the ‘woman in the video’s knees made (him) gay’. To which I immediately pulled back the table cloth and peaked underneath, and now I’m not sure what to think about anything anymore. Also, Youtube commenters are idiots.
- - -
Wonder Woman, a symbol of truth and justice. And also terrified of velociraptors, apparently.
I think I finally understand cosplay. It’s just Halloween during the rest of the year. Why was I not on board with this beforehand? Maybe because all I could do was cosplay as myself while I was there?
- - -
Also made someone laugh so hard she had an asthma attack. Less than a half hour later, I bought her a drink as thanks for her help, and it had some chocolate in it, and she was allergic, and started to go into anaphylactic shock.
So within 30 minutes, I almost murdered someone twice, using those weapons of utmost horror, humor and kindness. Let this be some kind of lesson to you.
- - -
There are many more details and pictures I probably shouldn’t share. But I deeply thank AggieCon for inviting me down, for all the members of Cepheid Variable who organized it and treated me so well, and to everyone I met there. Great experience.
Inventions
At the wedding last night, some poor unfortunate man was dragged over to talk to me - honestly, harangued and dragged is probably a better term, knowing the person who was doing the dragging - just because I’m a professor now and this man was a former professor of some field or another.
After the various niceties that emerge in forced small talk, I asked him how he was enjoying retirement.
“Retirement is the second greatest thing that mankind ever invented,” he remarked.
I let the pause sit there in the air for a few seconds. Then, finally: “OK, I have to bite. What’s the first?”
He looked at me like I was an idiot, never having expected me to ask. ”Why, the wheel, of course.”
Oh, right. Of course.
Shortly after that I was informed that electricity was number three.
Nice guy.
E-mail Exchange With A Random Reader
The following is a series of e-mails exchanged with a STW reader mostly over the past day. Nothing has been changed from the original e-mails.
——
Hello Dante,
I woke up from a nightmare last night and immediately knew I needed to tell you about it. I’m sure it won’t be as interesting to you as it was to me but I felt it relevant.
I had a nightmare where no matter how much I sprayed-and-wiped the whiteboard in my classroom, it REFUSED to clean. Things written on it in days and months past wound seep up to the surface just as soon as I could get the last bit removed. I tried for probably an hour to erase it cleanly before giving up and crying.
I blame the horribly-impossible-to-erase whiteboard in my quantum classroom for this. Every day I pine for blackboards.
Have yourself a nice day,
Hollee
——
Hollee-
Are we sure the whiteboard did not represent the devil? Wait a minute, let’s refocus in on the term “quantum classroom”. Are you reporting in from some miniscule classroom after you and several students were victims of a rogue shrinking ray? Are you now able to be sated as a class by a single crumb from a loaf of bread? Is even my typing this like shouting at you? HELLO DOWN THERE
-Dante Shepherd
——
WE HEAR YOU
PLEASE SEND HELP IT’S BEEN DAYS AND THIS OREO WON’T LAST MUCH LONGER
——
DON”T MOVE, WE’RE SENDING IN AN ENGLISH MUFFIN
NO, REALLY, DON’T MOVE, WE DON’T WANT TO ACCIDENTALLY CRUSH YOU
——
WE’RE REALLY THIRSTY TOO, WE COULDN’T FIND A DROP OF WATER SMALL ENOUGH TO DRINK
WE’RE TRYING TO WAVE BUT EVERY TIME SOMEONE SEES US WE JUST TURN INTO PARTICLES
THINGS ARE LOOKING GRIM
——
I’M SORRY, BUT BECAUSE OF THAT WAVE/PARTICLE JOKE, OUR COMMUNITY OF SCIENTISTS HAS VOTED AND WE HAVE DECIDED TO LET YOU PERISH, PLEASE GO AND DO SO QUIETLY
——
LET MY HEADSTONE SAY “IT WAS WORTH IT”
Hourly Comics Day 2013 - Batch #2
4PM
5PM
6PM
7PM
8PM
9PM
10PM
11PM
Hourly Comics Day 2013 - Batch #1
Doing Hourly Comics like I have in the past, with quicker, simpler lessons, one every hour. For the record, here are the STW Hourly Comics from 2009, 2010, 2011, and 2012 (pt 1, pt 2, and pt 3).
6 AM
7AM
8AM
9AM
10AM
11AM
12PM
1PM
2PM
3PM
A Baby's Days of the Week
A Baby’s Days of the Week
(to the tune of The Seven Days of the Week by They Might Be Giants)
Oh, no, no, I never go to sleep
Oh, no, no, I never go to sleep
On Mondays, I never go to sleep
On Tuesdays, I stay awake
On Wednesdays, I never feel inclined
Sleep is the last thing on my mind
On Thursdays, it’s a holiday!
And Fridays are the best
And I never am tired on a Saturday
And Sundays I don’t rest
Grad Student, It's Cold Outside
Tom Mansell and I wrote this a few years ago to be sung as a two person skit at a department Christmas banquet, depicting the indentured servant / master relationship between grad student and professor by comparing it to the goddamn creepiest Christmas song of all time. Enjoy. And feel free to present it to your advisor, if you feel you need to get the point across.
- - -
The holidays are a time of togetherness, and nothing embodies that holiday spirit like the relationship between advisor and grad student. Let's look in on just such a pair, working late in the lab.
(Tune: Baby, It's Cold Outside)
I really can’t stay - Buddy it’s cold outside
I’ve got to go away - Buddy it’s cold outside
The data so far - Hey, hand me that jar
Should be enough – Put on some gloves, that's toxic stuff
My girlfriend will start to worry – C'mon, kid, what’s your hurry
My dog will be pacing the floor - Listen to the autoclave roar
So really I’d better scurry – Beautiful looking slurry
Well maybe just a measurement more – Turn the hot plate on while I pour
The parents might ask - Buddy, it’s bad out there
Say, what’s in this flask - No labs to be done out there
I wish I knew how – Should this be so green?
But don’t you see – When can you get this data to me?
Oh think of my life long sorrow – Can you have this by tomorrow
At least I’m gonna say that I tried – don't breathe in the fumes or you'll die
I really can’t stay – Great, so you'll have that on my desk tomorrow, super.
'Cause I/you want to graduate
STW SHIRT SALE
Happy Holidays, everyone!
That time of year is soon approaching when we all gather together to celebrate the giant lobster at the North Pole that morphs into human form and flies a sleigh around the world. Or maybe we had very different childhoods.
At the very least, I bet you wish your version of Santa was more like mine, don’t you?
Anyhow, in case you feel so inclined to share some amazing shirts with those you love or those you like or those you don’t really care for but need to get something for because otherwise they’ll be angry with you and who really wants that hanging over their heads, we are offering FREE SHIPPING from October 29th through November 5th on designs I’ve whipped up just for you. Yes, you. Personally.
To take advantage of this great offer, just enter SURVIVETHEHOLIDAYS at checkout!
May you and your loved ones have a very happy holiday season, however you may gather and celebrate. And may you not be eaten by any rogue raptors in the New Year, either.
——
(I know it’s early for holiday sales, but Spreadshirt asked me if I wanted to extend this deal to my readers, and I figured, how could I pass up a chance to offer a 20-25% discount?)
(This message was already sent out through Spreadshirt’s network - but I had so much fun writing it, I wanted to make sure everyone got to read it, whether or not they intended on taking part in the sale.)
Nicknames
Occasionally I give out nicknames to Twitter followers. It’s something that only happens once in a while that people have to just happen to be around for. I offer, they speak, I dub.
There’s not a lot of thought put into them, and because I”m only willing to give a person one (no do-overs), the quality is wide-ranging. Might be you want to embrace it, might actually be appropriate, might be you never want to remember it happened. Makes no difference to me.
For the sake of keeping a record, here’s the entire list of dubbings so far:
“SLURVEBALL”.
“KILO ROMEO”.
“STEELA MONSTER”.
“RIBEYE”.
“YURT”.
“IGGY”.
“BERLIN”.
“SNIDEARM”.
“FIBULA”.
“MITRE SAW”.
“FORCESHOE”.
“INK SLINGER”.
“GUMSHOE”.
“CLEMONADE”.
“STACCATO”.
“STILETTO”.
“YOCTOMETER”.
“DUKE CUTLASS”.
“ROHAMTIC”.
“SECRET WEAPON”.
“O’SMITH”.
“ASKANCE”.
“RYE TIDE”.
“HRBEKINATOR”.
“SPRINKLES”.
“GOVERNESS”.
“SPAMBURGER”.
“HAZMAT”.
“MOTHORITY”.
“HOMUNCULUS”.
“AUTOMATIC KNIFLE”.
“CODA”.
“CHURNIA”.
“PANICAKES”.
“EEPHUS”.
“THE ROOK”.
“INK SAC”.
“GRRRRRRRRRRR”.
“JEST STROKE”.
“PHENOMENA”.
“MS. THORACIC”.
“HERMETIC”.
“CRIMAX”.
“LIME TIME”.
“WHOA”.
“FISTULA”.
“SUBMIME”.
“DARK LAGER”.
“QUIZZARD”.
“GRETCHEN”.
“HAMATE”.
“SKINTERN”.
“TRIUMPH, M.D.”.
“ELATION”.
“QUESTION”.
“ROTGUN”.
“DISASTRIX”.
“REPTRON”.
“KING MANATEE”.
“PHYLUM”.
“FORTISSIMO”.
“CRESCENDO.”
“GINERTIA”.
“HIVEWIRE”.
“GIRAFFENATED”.
“THUMBS”.
“SCAREBALL”.
“THE PAINSMITH”.
“PHIL”.
“PLANTASM”.
“TRACHEA”.
“DESTRUCTO!”. (The exclamation point is part of it.)
“DOC PATELLA”.
“THE SLIP”.
“PLATELET”.
“HUGH NAMI”.
“DOCTOR ARISTOTLE”.
“THE BISHOP”.
“EXOSKELETON”.
“HORATIO”.
“SPARKY”.
“SCRAPUCCINO”.
“CANNONDIRE”.
“GHOST SCORPION”.
“THE SCARBINGER”.
“SCORCHLIGHT”.
“SPIDERCRAB”.
“CRUMB”.
“THE SPLICEBERG”.
“LIGHTNINGHAWK”.
“DOOM MOOSE”.
“SHOCK LOBSTER”.
“OCTOSPLODE”.
“IGNATIUS”.
“BLOOD SHEEP”.
“NETTLE”.
“JUAN FLAMBE”.
“CLAVICLE”.
“THE MAUVE KNIGHT”.
“RATTLEQUAKE”.
“DANGER MANGO”.
“FIRE EMU”.
“THE CHALKDUST MENACE”.
“YAKNESS MONSTER”.
“ARPEGGIO”.
“BLOOP”.
“LASERGOAT”.
“KNUCKLECRUNCH”.
“BOOM SHAKALAKA”.
“JUSTICE AXE”.
“CRAWDAD SUNSET”.
“DUSK”.
“CORPORAL SPONGE”.
“ACIDBERRY”.
“POISON GOPHER”.
“SHADOWGATOR”.
“METEORIGHT”.
“ADMIRAL BARCELONA”.
“CRUSHER MERINGUE”.
“DOWNTOWN”.
“CURVEBALL”.
“VOLTAGE”.
“CRIMSON SUNRISE”.
“AJAX”.
“MACAROON”.
“SPINEBLADE”.
“MEDICINE HAMMER”.
“RODEO”.
“FLASH BRONSON”.
“PATIENCE MCGEE”.
“FIREFALL”.
“HEMOGLOBIN”.
“EXPLOSION JACKSON”.
“STURGEON”.
“MUD TERROR”.
“DOCTOR CRUNCH”.
“RABID PLATYPUS”.
“TUXEDO PUNCH”.
“COLONEL GLORY”.
“ZIGZAG”.
“XYPHOID FIST”.
“INDIGO COCONUT”.
“CHAIRMASTER”.
“THUNDERBIRD”.
“SHANGRI-LAW”.
“MIDNIGHT QUIXOTE”.
“KILLER PROTON”.
“APOCALYPSE CHOCOLATE”.
“MONKEY SKULL”.
“LITTLE JUPITER”.
“DISCO CZAR”.
“DENVER FIRE”.
“RIBCAGE”.
“ELECTROBUGLE”.
“BULLFROG AUTHORITY”.
“BLUE RAISIN”.
“HERO INCOGNITO”.
“LIEUTENANT FERNANDO”.
“MONSTER FISH”.
“PARASNAKE”.
“WRECKING BELLE”.
“BLOODSLIDE”.
“STARFISH AVALANCHE”.
“STARDUST CASCADE”.
“HENDERSON”.
“APOTHECARY”.
“KING HORATIO”.
“HARVEST”.
“WARSAW”.
“GHOST POULTRY”.
“NEURO”.
“TORERO”.
“POLTERGEIST”.
“BIG COUNTRY”.
“BIRCH”.
“OVERTURE”.
“CHICAGO VODKA”.
“SURPRISE”.
“OCTOSPY”.
“THE UNDERDOG”.
“STELLA WANDERLUST”.
“SUGAR CHAMPAGNE”.
“ANGRY WHISKEY”.
“PHOTON”.
“ADMIRAL TANGERINE”.
“EL MATADOR”.
An Open Letter to the MLB and FOX
To whom it may concern:
After the Red Sox and Rays last night had the benches clear, I was really ready to watch tonight’s game. It wasn’t just because tensions would be heightened, but also because there’s a number of other great storylines going on, and I really enjoy watching the Red Sox.
But you’re blacking out the game. Sure, FOX has the game. But they’re showing us the Phillies-Cardinals down here in the DC area. So even though you do not have the game on TV, you’ve made it impossible for me to watch the game at all. There’s no second broadcast of the game on a different channel. There’s no MLB.TV broadcast. There is literally no way for me to watch this game unless I hop in my car, drive to an area where it is not being blacked out, and turn on a TV there.
There are many angry fans who deal with this every week. Sure, you think you’re getting fans to watch other games, so maybe you’ll increase interest in more teams. Which is commendable. I’m not sure many general fans across the country had ever seen a game hosted in Tampa on broadcast TV before the Rays were in the World Series. But you’re also angering fans with this tactic. If the main FOX broadcasting team is so great - a tangent I’m not even going to start in on - then plenty of fans would be happy to flip back and forth between both FOX games to watch. Instead, out of spite, I’m just going to turn on the radio to be able to follow the game the only way you’re allowing me. And I bet a number of other people are just going to find other ways to spend their Saturday and hope the highlights are sufficient.
I know baseball isn’t dying - attendance is up, ratings are up, more small-market teams are getting good local TV deals - so contrary to all the usual articles that get written about it, the sport is in a really good position. But man, you do try to find ways to go out of your way to anger and alienate the hardcore fans you do have.
Give us a way to watch all the games. If you can’t do that, you really don’t care about your fans.
We knew we weren’t a priority. But stop reminding us.
Sincerely,
Dante Shepherd
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